Problems are to the mind what pain is to the body.
Your heart’s desires (your greatest ideas) are your greatest assets.
Indecision is actually the individual’s decision to fail.
It takes as much hard mental work to fail as it does to succeed.
from The Power of Decision by Raymond Charles Barker (1968)
Rising above Addiction through Understanding Strengths by DeAnna Murphy
Almost everyone is addicted to something, when you consider that “addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.”[1]
What is addicting for you? Maybe it’s shopping when you feel depressed, or driving too fast. For someone else, it might be video games, or drinking too many cans of Diet Coke in a day. Some addictions seem innocuous—while others can be much more costly—and can destroy lives and relationships if they are not rectified.
Maybe you see your “addiction” as not being harmful enough to warrant a behavior change—but deep down you know that stopping it would be best for you. But how do you do it? Where do you begin?
What if the process started NOT by looking at what is wrong with you, because you have a weakness—but by exploring your strengths? What if strengths could become both an explanation for how the addictive behavior gets triggered, as well as a resource to call on when it does?
Strengths, Misunderstood, Can Contribute to Addiction
Most of us would not consider our strengths as being contributors to our addictive patterns—but indeed, they can be!
When you begin to explore your strengths, you will notice that they don’t just define what you can do well. They also inform what you need to be your best.
For example, if you are someone with the strength of Empathy, you have an extraordinary ability to listen deeply to what is not being said, and demonstrate authentic sensitivity, warmth, and responsiveness. This is what you contribute to others—AND it is also what you need in order to feel connected, safe, and confident.
These things inform what you would expect to receive from others if you were part of a meaningful relationship: you expect tenderness, gentleness, deep listening, intuitively responding to your needs without being prompted. This strength forms a “you should” belief that can be viewed as a non-negotiable need in a relationship.
So, what if you grew up in a home where neither of your parents had the strength of Empathy? What if they did not know how to give these things to you? What if you are in an important relationship now, and these needs are not being met? What might happen?
For some individuals, this emotional disconnection might lead to engagement in a compulsive behavior—drinking, over-working, over-eating, for example—finding some other way to dim the pain or compensate for the unmet need. Often, an unsuspecting trigger for addictive behaviors is the unmet needs of our strengths.
Connecting with Self (and Others) through Understanding the Needs of Strengths
Most of us are unaware of the needs of our strengths, nor of the fact that we feel most connected to ourselves and others when the needs of our strengths are met.
If you have the strength of being an Achiever, for example, you need clear, mutual goals, with shared hard work toward them. When you experience hard work with others toward a common goal, you feel positive connection to yourself and to others.
Additionally, if you have the strength of Communication, you need verbal processing, and a clear, open, transparent line of communication. When these needs are met, you generally feel safe, free, open, and connected. If they aren’t, frustration ensues, and almost always in its wake, some kind of toxic behavior—and maybe even at times, addictive behavior.
The Opposite of Addiction is NOT Sobriety
Interestingly, addiction recovery professionals suggest this idea: “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is connection.” When we don’t feel connection with self or others, “we will bond with something—anything—that will diminish the pain.”[2]
What if we understood this simple concept: our strengths have needs. We can understand both our strengths, what they have to contribute (to help us and others), and what they need to be at their best. We can take responsibility for using our strengths to meet our own needs and positively contributing to others. When we do, we feel increased connection with ourselves—and consequently, with others—and we can avoid stepping into addictive behavior choices.
At an addiction recovery center in southern Utah last month, a young staff member understood the power of this very simple idea.
One particular day, when an angry resident began an emotional tirade, he simply looked at the client and asked in a quiet, gentle voice, “What do you need right now?” Disarmed by the sincere question, the client’s eyes almost instantly filled with tears, and his anger seemed to dissipate.
“I guess I just need authentic connection,” he said. “I want someone who can understand how I feel. I just don’t know how to say that.”
The staff member said to him, “It sounds like you have the strength of being a Relator—someone who needs to talk heart-to-heart with people, and really be seen. Let’s go talk, then!”
The two of them sat down and watched the sunset over the mountains. Quiet now, his anger gone, the client simply said, “Thank you for caring about what I need. You really made a difference for me today.”
Imagine if we did that for ourselves? Imagine if we cared enough to get curious about the needs connected to our own and others’ strengths? Just maybe it could be the catalyst to help us begin to rise above the addictive behaviors in our lives—and help others rise above theirs!
[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction
[2] Anne Streiber. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.”Unknown Country News. Laurel, Africa. January 22, 2015.http://www.unknowncountry.com/news/%E2%80%9C-opposite-addiction-not-sobriety-it-human-connection%E2%80%9D#ixzz3VzoiY8jT
DeAnna Murphy has over 7,000 hours coaching and facilitating experiential learning and leadership development programs – and is the founder and president of Strengths Strategy Inc., the leading strengths application organization in the world. Learn more at www.unlockingstrengths.com. She is the author of soon-to-be-released Unlocking Strengths, The Key to Accelerating Energy, Performance, and Relationships.
The sun is always shining. The sky is always blue.
The sun is always shining.
The sky is always blue.
The sun does not create the shadow; the object in the path of its rays causes a shadow to fall on the space below.
The clouds do not color the sky; they cover and block the rays of golden sunlight and brilliant blue color from our view.
The moon rises in its phases of fullness and waning. It too gives us light along with its partners, the brilliant stars and planets.
Have you ever wondered if the sun would rise again?
Have you ever wondered why your life experience flows in phases like the moon, ever changing and evolving?
You and I do not make the sun rise, or the phases of the moon occur.
We do make the choice to love and forgive.
Each day we can decide to allow the unobstructed rays of light to shine forth from within or bring in the clouds and create shadows with our thoughts and feelings.
The sun, moon and stars know nothing of decisions.
Let us pattern our lives after the rhythm of our universe, let us flow with the truth of who we are, let us decide to be joyful!
3 Powerful Steps Toward a New Vision of Your Future
I believe that we create our future in the present. However, we all carry around a heavy burden of limiting beliefs about ourselves that we learned and experienced as weakness or “not _______ enough”.
We need the strength of Atlas to carry all the pain and fear we have collected over our lifetime! After all, what you see now is what you saw a minute ago, yesterday, 20 years ago. Here is a powerful solution that will allow you to let go of unwanted baggage.
Create a future vision through the lens of strengths; align that picture with your past and you will have the high vibration energy you need to create your future, NOW!
I had the opportunity to have private coaching session with DeAnna Murphy, CEO of Strengths Strategy, as a part of the Strategic Strengths Coaching Certification. The process I will share with you is not something we intended to go through; this is a process that we co-created during our session together. The most impactful outcome for me was to finally identify the source of the limiting beliefs I had about my ability to achieve success in my present endeavors.
DeAnna has earned my trust on a very deep level so I came to our conversation with a high level of confident vulnerability. She asked me to create an inspiring vision of my future that embodied my natural talents. I have to admit, the first version was not very pretty! Together we uncovered the core thoughts and feelings about personal value and worthiness that were linked to a view of my past and future that focused on my weaknesses, choices, and life events. When we began study of the executing strengths like drive for achievement, discipline and responsibility felt sick in my gut! I realized that my parents lived strongly on the executing side of the task axis and I was all about people, relationships and a big picture of life. I felt like I had been born into the wrong family!
She guided me through the maze of feelings that revealed themselves to me and challenged me to re-write my past and see the ultimate value of every event and influencer in my life. My family and life experiences perfectly prepared me for future achievement. I contribute my unique puzzle piece to the table of life in a way that inspires everyone around me to do the same. Now I have a clear mantra for success that I knew all along but had never clarified or shared with anyone in such a powerful way!
Here are the powerful steps we took on our journey together.
Step 1: Create in your mind and compose on paper a vision of the future through the lens of your strengths. What unique contributions will you make? How do you want to feel 5 years from now, 6 months from now or at the end of your life? What will you have accomplished? What impact will you have had during your life time? Who will be with you as a partner, lover, and friend?
Step 2: Re-vision and re-write your past through a deep understanding of your natural talents. What was always easy for you? What were you doing when you completely lost track of time? How were you influenced by the strengths profile of your family, friends, teachers, mentors? Were they “task” oriented or relationship oriented people? How have the positive or painful events of your life shaped you and prepared you to be who you are today?
Step 3: With a renewed view of your past and a clear vision of the future in mind and feeling in your body, what will you do today to move forward? What new feeling do you have about your ability to accomplish goals in the future? What level of love and support do you feel now from your natural strengths, the positive partnerships in your life and your faith in a force beyond yourself?
Strengths Spirituality & Success: A Course in Co-Creation
You hold a piece of the puzzle that everyone is waiting for! It is time to put your piece on the table!
- Discover your unique combination of strengths:
- Using elements of positive psychology and Clifton’s StrengthsFinder assessment you will discover your inner talents and learn how only you will contribute a unique piece of the puzzle.
- Connect with your inner genius.
- Through group, self-awareness exercises, you will dig deep into your internal intelligence and bring new ideas about your passion and purpose to the surface.
- Leap into your role in the bigger game of life!
- Together we will use mastermind intelligence to define our path forward.
Thursday evenings:
March 12, 19 & 26, 2015
7:00 PM to 8:30 PM
Franciscan Hermitage
3650 East 46th Street
Indianapolis, IN 46205
The cost for this 3-week course is $45 + $10 for the StrengthsFinder Access Code if needed.
Register online: http://acourseincocreation.eventbrite.com
Presented by
Jennifer Seaver Stokes of Tuned In Coaching
Jennifer is a certified professional coach focused on Strengths Development & Energy Mastery. Her mission is to create maximal opportunities for mutual growth through her work as a coach, teacher and trainer. She serves as an inspiring partner for individuals and groups that share a common interest in living at the “highest octave of their being!”
Contact info: Jennifer@TunedInCoaching.com www.TunedIncoaching.com (317) 402-3532
You are the CEO of Self-Respect!
I see you as someone that;
Creates trust through transparency- Shows compassion through the training and development of self and others
- Provides stability through consistent execution based on internal wisdom
- Shares hope for the best possible outcome in all situations
You might say, “You don’t even know me, how can you make these assumptions!” Well, I can because that is how I see myself! I know that at your core you are capable of understanding and implementing all of these characteristics through your personal strengths and mastery of your daily energy!
The strongest leadership comes from within you. The more deeply you develop self-awareness, the more capable you are of successfully leading others. Self-respect is an attitudinal muscle that you exercise every minute. It is measured by how well you treat yourself, how positively you talk to yourself and how peacefully you interact with the world around you.
Self- respect comes first; the response you receive from others is merely a reflection of how you see yourself. If you do not like the way others are treating you, look within at the video clip of yourself playing in your mind. Everyone has the power to choose how they see you. You cannot force someone to admire you on the inside, even if you demand respect from them through their outer actions. The same holds true for love, in personal, intimate relationships.
What are you feeling about yourself today? What thoughts are running through your head at this moment? Take a few minutes to write down a few key words, not whole sentences, just a gut reactions to these questions.
Here are some self-respecting statements that will shift your energy and put you back on the path of your internal GPS.
- I know my unique strengths and am engaging them for good.
- I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses, and I am OK with both.
- I am showing up with a win-win attitude and action plan that will create strong interdependent relationships for the future.
- I am actively recognizing the unique contributions of those around me.
- I am open to receiving unexpected opportunities and validation of my contributions.
Take a 15 minute break to step back from your agenda today and realign the big picture of your week with these five affirmations. Begin each day with this checklist and create a habit of beginning each day with this self-respecting energy!
What you see in yourself is what we will see!
Your blind spot holds the seeds of opportunity!
The City of Carmel, Indiana, where I reside, has decided to build as many roundabouts as possible to maximize safety and traffic flow. However, for those of us challenged by “the blind spot” when driving, two lane roundabouts are like a minefield of collision opportunities! I received a link today, (from a very loving friend who always insists on driving) to a Roundabout driving academy to help motorists! I have vowed to not take anything personally but………….I might look into it. I want to be a better driver and understand how to work with my blind spots!
On a personal level, I can feel it in my body when I am in my intellectual Blind Spot. The nature of communication around me sounds like a foreign language. My eyes start to glaze over and I feel exhausted. Based on the ideas in this article by DeAnna Murphy, this is a key opportunity to embrace the people and strengths that cover my Blind Spot. When I choose to identify feelings of uneasiness and discomfort as seeds of opportunity to understand something that does not come naturally to me……..ah, that is emotional intelligence! I have the opportunity to create interdependent relationships that will allow everyone in my sphere of influence to succeed.
Using Your Blind Spot to Your Advantage by DeAnna Murphy
Imagine you are standing in the middle of a large circle, with the circle representing a complex problem or challenge you are currently facing. There are multiple perspectives represented all the way around the circle, some of which are in the range of your vision, and others that fall outside of what you can see.
Using Gallup’s 25 years of research that suggests all possible strengths fall into 34 themes, you find these strengths around you. They fall into three broad categories:
- Primary Strengths
- Secondary Strengths
- Blind Spot.
Your strengths are like a contact lens, through which you see the world. Your Primary Strengths (your top 8-10 strengths) significantly influence what you value, how you prioritize things, and how you approach your work and your relationships.
Your Secondary Strengths (usually 6-8 additional strengths) also influence you, but they fall into your peripheral vision, and only influence you under certain circumstances.
But there are some strengths that are difficult or impossible for you to access–they are in your Blind Spot. They are perspectives and tools that are foreign to you.
Most of us are blind, or somewhat blind, to as much as 50-65% of the possible perspectives… although most of us also don’t think this is the case. The hard truth, however, is that what we are seeing through our lens is only a fraction of the perspectives that are available.
It is important to be aware of your Blind Spot, because it contributes significantly to your relationship tension and frustration. When relationships are not working well, productivity and engagement often disappear.
Blind Spot collisions wreak havoc on teams and in personal relationships. Such collisions can injure your pride and reduce your self confidence. They may even make you cynical about ever being able to work with certain other people.
Time for good news, bad news.
The bad news is that there will always be individuals whose strengths may be in your Blind Spot, and vice versa. You need to accept this reality.
The good news, however, is that such people have the greatest potential to increase your effectiveness. The people with whom you have the most frequent Blind Spot collisions are likely your most necessary and valued strategic partners.
Why? They see what you cannot— and they can help you even more than those whose strengths are similar to yours.
There is, however, a big “if” to this statement. Those who are most different from you can be your most valued strategic partners only IF you see, understand, and value strengths— both your own, and those of others.
So, next time you butt heads with someone else, consider two possibilities:
- Each of you is in the other person’s Blind Spot, which is why it feels so difficult to work with that person.
- Back to back, working together, you might make an impressive team. All it takes is the vision to understand what you don’t see, and the determination to find partners who can help you eliminate the weaknesses that grow out of your Blind Spot.
I am looking forward to beginning the Strategic Strengths Coaching Certification Program with Strengths Strategy in just a few weeks. The insights and deep work this team of strategists has developed around the strengths and positive psychology model resonates with everything I believe in.
Earlier this year I did a short Strengths Presentation for a staff of 25. I met with the manager several times and each time we met he referred to one staff member that he really wanted to get rid of. This individual really rubbed him the wrong way and he was looking for a reason and way to let him go. When we began to analyze the overall mapping of the strengths profiles of his staff, I realized that this particular individual had the most diverse, unique strengths profile of the entire group. It was easy to see why he might not appear to “fit in”.
I shared this information with the manager and suggested that we even give him a special role in the workshop. As you might expect, things did not go exactly as planned, the manager maintained his overwhelming negativity towards this individuals work. I received a negative review of the workshop and the staff member who brought strengths that were unrepresented by another staff member was fired.
I will be honest, I felt like this manager was in my Blind Spot! What did I learn from this experience?
I think that I came into the situation with confident vulnerability and was not met with confident vulnerability on the other side of the table. Some people may feel that the strengths conversation forces them to take off their own masks. I happen to love my strengths but not everyone feels comfortable with their talent profile if they think it might not be good enough or what their employer, boss, or spouse needs. Furthermore, they may feel threatened by the strength profile of others.
My biggest take-away from this experience was that I needed to be more sensitive to others reactions to their strengths profile and the strengths profile of others. I want to create a safe environment for them to stand naked in front of the strengths mirror. Creating an environment where confident vulnerability is honored and trust has been gained should be a higher priority. Also, understand that confident vulnerability can be learned; it does not come naturally to us; it is a high level aspect of emotional intelligence!
DeAnna Murphy has over 7,000 hours coaching and facilitating experiential learning and leadership development programs – and is the founder and president of Strengths Strategy Inc., the leading strengths application organization in the world. Learn more at www.unlockingstrengths.com. She is the author of soon-to-be-released Unlocking Strengths, The Key to Accelerating Energy, Performance, and Relationships.
Image: HikingArtist.com
Are you trying to sell your plan for your life to the Universe?
Do you enjoy to listening to people with new ideas and fresh perspectives on the business of life? Recently, I heard a highly respected, successful business executive in the financial industry make this statement;
If you really want to make God laugh, tell Him your plan for your life!
Now this might cause some of you to stop reading right now! But wait, hear me out! I believe that there is little security in plans, goals, or strategies that are based only on what I want. When we do not consider the bigger picture, place ourselves in a role that places us in the middle of something bigger than ourselves, our best, most valiant efforts will always feel like we are chasing something. We will fight to stay focused and motivated. We will vow to work harder and longer and with more sweat and tears.
I want to share with you the Zoom Out / Zoom In Model for Goal Setting!
It does not matter if you are the CEO of a billion dollar company or an individual trying to pay your medical bills, when we decide to set goals, the energy we are creating them from will always be associated with the goal and eventual outcome.
25% Resolution: I can’t stand this anymore, I can’t live like this anymore, I have to do something, I need to make changes.
All of these statements express some form of victimhood, guilt or anger. While these statements are all too familiar to us and may sound motivating, they come from a place that will only perpetuate more pain, suffering, low self-esteem and frustration.
50% Resolution: I want a new job, I want more money, I want a new relationship, I want a new car, I want a promotion….etc.
“I want” statements are more powerful and engaging because you are choosing what you want. Now you are coming from a place of self empowerment. However, the motivation to have something still connects with a lack of something, neediness and dissatisfaction, even fear and scarcity.
75% Resolution: Zoom in to connect with how you want to feel. I want to feel loved (new relationship), I want to feel secure (more money), I want to feel successful (validation of accomplishments).
These feelings are better than feeling like a victim and still express a greater awareness of what you are looking for but are still based on object referral. Deepak Chopra in his Seven Spiritual Laws for Success, establishes this definition;
In object-referral we are always influenced by objects outside of ourselves……constantly seeking the approval of others……….always in anticipation of a response.
Self -referral means that our internal reference point is our spirit, and not the objects of our experience.
100% Resolution: I want to feel and express love for myself and others.
Understanding self-referral allows us to begin within ourselves (Zoom In) which then leads us to look outside ourselves to the biggest picture we can imagine (Zoom Out) . The desire to connect with something bigger than ourselves and of benefit to everyone around us is the highest resolution of the Zoom Out/Zoom In Model.
NOW you are ready to set goals and take action: This is the place where you will create goals that you will always be motivate to achieve and work for. Your efforts to succeed will be richly rewarded in ways you could never have visioned on your own! The opportunities, solutions and ideas for how to continually move towards this big, visionary goal will seem effortless, like timeless play.
Every week at the Journeysfire Fellowship in Indianapolis, we end with this intention:
Lets us be masters of ourselves so that we may be servants to others.
On your computer or other device you can choose to zoom in, zoom out, or reset to default. What is your default resolution for goal setting?
Jennifer Seaver Stokes of Tuned In Coaching is the special guest on Hamilton County TV!
How to Tell When Your Work Mindset Becomes Toxic By DeAnna Murphy
How to Tell When Your Work Mindset Becomes Toxic
By DeAnna Murphy
Every week, I meet people who are genuinely baffled why they aren’t more successful. They are smart, confident and capable… but their career just hit a stone wall. The reason it’s so easy to find these people is because most of us – at one time or another – encounter such lulls in our career.
I’d like to share a useful way to gain clarity into your own behavior and how it might be impacting your career. In moments of frustration, when you may feel a little out of touch with where you really want to be, you can reference this tool to better understand where you are, and how to get to the destination you most desire.
If you are frustrated at the moment, it’s highly possible that your behavior may have drifted into the red triangle you see at the bottom of this image. If so, you probably have adopted one of three mindsets:
Dependence: You are here to serve me.
Independence: I serve me.
Codependence: I serve you, so that you will serve me.
The common word in each mindset isme. People who are obsessed with their own self-interest will never reach their full potential within an organization. Some achieve short-term success, but eventually their toxic behavior sinks their career.
Here’s the real problem: almost none of these people think they are engaging in toxic behaviors. To the contrary, they tend to perceive themselves as capable and responsible. But if any of these four behaviors describe you, the odds are you have drifted into the toxic triangle:
- You blame or criticize. This can occur either inwardly toward oneself or outwardly toward others. You can think this, or speak it.
- You are defensive. This often takes place in connection with the other behaviors. You may be tempted to think that you, alone, are right. You are closed, and unappreciative of other ideas or perspectives.
- You stonewall others. You may give others the silent treatment, or avoid certain people at all costs. You may engage in inauthentic politeness, where you circle another and never speak openly about what is happening. You are working hard to build walls that – you mistakenly think – will keep you safe.
- You show contempt. This often looks like sarcasm, name-calling, or may even reach the level of bullying. You will feel dislike or deep disregard along with contempt, as if the other person is beneath you.
The hard reality is that most of us have spent time in the toxic triangle; it’s all too easy to get sucked down there.
To escape this dark place, you need to aim higher. Specifically, you need to move towards the mindset represented by the green triangle above, which has at its peak:
Interdependence: I serve us, so we can serve others.
Professional success – especially in our interconnected world – requires that you focus on “us” rather than “me”. This is true even when other people are, like you, imperfect. It’s true even when others spend too much time in the toxic triangle.
If you want to be successful, you simply have to rise above the fray. More on this in my next article.
DeAnna Murphy is a leadership development consultant and team effectiveness strategist with over 7,000 hours leading experiential learning programs and leadership development programs.
Image: gonzales2010/Flickr
Tuned In Coaching is Tuned In to You! 