This is the conclusion of co-authors Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn in their book: For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men
Women, on the other hand, want to feel loved more than any other emotion. When women feel unloved they tend to internalize their emotions and react by crying or becoming depressed. Men tend to externalize their emotions and react to disrespect by becoming angry.
What is the solution? Unconditional respect. Wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to freely give unconditional love and earn respect? Here are the ways you can meet a man’s need for love by giving him unconditional respect.
Need #1: Respect his judgement. Refrain from questioning his knowledge or argue about his decisions.
Need #2: Respect his abilities. Never ask him to do something by starting out with the words “CAN YOU……” or “DO YOU KNOW HOW TO………”
Need #3: Respect in Communication. What are the implications of how you are saying something. Run your comments through a filter first.
Need #4: Respect in public.
“If this guy’s own wife doesn’t respect him, he’s nothing.”
Need #5: Respect in our assumptions. Check your assumptions at the door and choose to build up the men in our life by saying,
I’m so proud of you.
I’m sorry I did that – that was disrespectful. I know I can trust you.
The silver lining in this awareness is that he doesn’t need you to tell him you love him. He doesn’t need you to do things for him or take care of him. Doing too much for the man in your life is treating him like a child. It is like saying that he is not a grown up and cannot do it for himself. What he really needs is your respect and appreciation for what he does and who he is.
In The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, he explains the idea of respect in this way:
You feel sorry for me when you don’t respect me, when you don’t think I am strong enough to make it. On the other hand, love respects. I love you; I know you can make it. I know you are strong enough, intelligent enough, good enough that you can make your own choices. I don’t have to make your choices for you. You can make it.
This is how men understand love.
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