Dear Reader,

The truly courageous person is the one that asks for help from another person.  They may feel like they need help or have to have help to get through a difficult situation but when they arrive at the point of truly wanting help…………coaching or counseling are the best resources because someone is listening on the other end!  Self-help resources can only go so far in moving us forward in life.  A strategic partnership with an individual that is capable of creating a safe, positive environment for others to express vulnerability is the best solution.

Yes,  as you read this, you are” listening” to me.    Herein lies the biggest downfall of self-help publications, blog posts and everything else in our environment that requires us to listen!  I think the attraction to Facebook is that you can comment and interact.  We crave the opportunity to be a part of a conversation! How many times have you hesitated to make a comment on a social media post and opted for the “like” instead ?  I would have to say it is a lot easier to like than to comment.  It  seems inappropriate  to “like” a post about a tragic loss or expressed sadness or illness.   Maybe there needs to be an empathy button!

Books don’t listen, but people do!

Everyone wants to tell their story but just telling the story does not mean that a lesson has been learned or a new attitude or action has been established. People can get so wrapped up in their story that they completely miss the teachable moment it represents! The best way to honor a person’s story but still encourage them to reflect is to ask , “How do you feel about…….?” Do or say anything that brings them out of their head and into their body.

As coaches and counselors,  creating an authentic presentation of ourselves with confident vulnerability at our core will naturally attract those clients that are ready to be helped! Validating the current situations of others but avoiding peripheral details of their story is critical to getting to the core thoughts and feelings.  We are the accountability partners everyone wants to truly make progress in a desired direction.  Marketing with compassion is the key to creating my own success stories.

Dear Faithful Followers,

Last night when I checked my website I realized that I was 21 visits ( visits are more positive than hits!) away from 4000 total for the life of my website!  I began this site in June of 2011 and so far this year I have surpassed my 2013 total in just 9 months!

Thank you for visiting my site.  This website is where I pour out my heart and insights for everyone to experience.  Writing has become a way for me to solidify my thoughts and experiences so I can learn the optimal lessons from life.  I appreciate your companionship on this journey.

I know you are busy but I encourage you to take   about 20-30 minutes to experience the Six Simple Steps to Success, an interactive coaching process I have created in the form of a survey.  This is my gift to you for connecting with me through my website!

Blessings to you all as you go out and live with the highest level of emotional and intellectual intelligence you have to offer the world.  We are all blessed by what you bring to our human experience!

Sincerely,

Jennifer Seaver Stokes

Jennifer@TunedInCoaching.com

(317) 402-3532

When was the last time you really felt love?  That feeling you had when you first experienced someone liking you in middle school or the first time you made a basket or heard a symphony orchestra.  It seems that we don’t feel that very often as we become busier, more stressed and more dependent on text, email and posts for a sense of love and belonging.  Be honest, how many times have you sent a text to someone in your own house? Does that feel like love?

Over the past few weeks I have been attending a Love Class led by Richard Brendan, based on the original Love Class started by Leo Buscaglia in the 1970s. Leo distributed a survey that asked the questions: What are the three qualities of primary relationships which were most enhancing to continued growth in love and most destructive to growing, loving relationship.  The overwhelming results were that the  #1 positive quality was communication and the #1 negative quality was a lack of communication.

One of the keys to  learning emotion intelligence,  (yes, unlike cognitive intelligence, it must be learned) is the ability to communicate.  Listening is the most important element!

In his book, Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia writes;

“I recently discovered that the average speaker can utter 125 words per minute.  The listener can process about 400-600 words per minute.  True listening is determined by how we decide to use the intervals.”

There are three ways the listener can choose uses those “intervals”.

1. Subjective listening: The listener remains attached to his or her own agenda and thoughts while appearing to be listening to the person speaking. In other words,  “keep talking while I formulate my brilliant come back to show off my wit and intelligence!”
2. Objective listening:  The listener is focused on the speaker but the words do not make an impression. Usual response,  “That’s interesting.” followed by roaming eyes and a shifty body movements, maybe even a glance at their cell phone!
3. Intuitive Listening:  The listener is tuned into all the sensory components and actively connects with the speaker’s real message.  The listener can hear between the words being used and gain a deep insight into the picture being drawn by the speaker.

When it comes to speaking face to face, the words only  account for 7% of the impact,  the inflection and tone of voice , 38% and body language 55%. We are missing so much information by not seeing the person we are connecting with.

Everywhere I go, restaurants, movies, outdoor events, EVERYWHERE,  people are glued to their devices.  What is the quality of our communication?  Are we digressing in our quest for greater emotional intelligence?  No matter how many emails, texts, FB friends and posts I receive each day, there is still a feeling of loneliness and emptiness that is best filled by sharing real space with a real person that is a good listener!

Listen
(anonymous)

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Perhaps that is why prayer works for some people.
Because
God is mute and He doesn’t offer advice or try to fix things.
He just listens and trusts you to work it out for yourself.
So please, just listen and hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a few minutes for your turn and I promise I’ll listen to you.  

Recently, with the graduation of my son from high school and my daughter from college, I have been in a highly, emotionally charged state;  just ask those closest to me!  The change of my status from a mother of school age children to an “empty nester” has really thrown me for a loop!  Through my coach training I have learned that I can choose how I want to show up in any situation and this transition is a great opportunity to put my skills to work!

When was the last time you set a specific intention for an upcoming life event? 

Maybe it is a family vacation, an important interview, a difficult encounter with a disengaged family member or business partner or a dramatic change of lifestyle.  Setting an intention means that you will decide to act a certain way in order to achieve a goal or change how you are “showing up”. Let’s go deeper into the creation of intentions by asking and then answering these three questions.

#1 Who will benefit from this decision or action?

#2 How does this decision or action serve me?

#3 Does everyone win when I make this choice?

If the answer to #1 is someone else, then you are playing the role of a victim or being compassionate.  One of the things I learned from the Brenè Brown’s eCourse on The Gifts of Imperfection was about the difference between victimhood and compassion.  Those that practiced compassion also set boundaries and held others accountable for their actions.  When you do this, you start playing a game where everyone has the opportunity to win. The answer to #2 might be….’uh, I didn’t really think about it”.  Many of my habits are so embedded in my subconscious routines that I have forgotten to question the value and implications of my thoughts, feelings or actions on a daily basis.  Dr. Joe Dispenza, in his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, writes;

Change your internal environment — the way you think and feel — and then see how the external environment is altered by your efforts. You just went from “cause and effect” to “causing an effect.”

Now we move to question #3.  Does everything have to be a win-win?  Are you more comfortable letting the other person win most of the time?  If you answered yes to the last question, you are missing out on a huge jackpot of opportunity on a daily basis!  Yes, I think, I know, without a doubt, that we want to create win-wins as often as possible and keep working out the details until every situation becomes a win-win.  If we are not doing this, we are just giving up and letting the other person win. Yes, there is a risk that the other people involved will not want to play the same game with different boundaries and rules.  If you don’t play that game anymore with that person, how will you feel?  Will you feel like a victim or will you realize the new opportunities you have created to show up more authentic and loving!

 Are you ready to engage in a win-win game of life where everyone wins or we don’t play the game?