Category Archives: Recent Posts

Thank you for visiting my website! We did it, 4010 visits!

Dear Faithful Followers,

Last night when I checked my website I realized that I was 21 visits ( visits are more positive than hits!) away from 4000 total for the life of my website!  I began this site in June of 2011 and so far this year I have surpassed my 2013 total in just 9 months!

Thank you for visiting my site.  This website is where I pour out my heart and insights for everyone to experience.  Writing has become a way for me to solidify my thoughts and experiences so I can learn the optimal lessons from life.  I appreciate your companionship on this journey.

headsI know you are busy but I encourage you to take   about 20-30 minutes to experience the Six Simple Steps to Success, an interactive coaching process I have created in the form of a survey.  This is my gift to you for connecting with me through my website!

Blessings to you all as you go out and live with the highest level of emotional and intellectual intelligence you have to offer the world.  We are all blessed by what you bring to our human experience!

Sincerely,

Jennifer Seaver Stokes

Jennifer@TunedInCoaching.com

(317) 402-3532

 

Serendipity and the Trans-formative power of Strengths

I love it when you engage in one activity to help your business and it turns into a serendipitous experience that transforms your whole life!  That is what the power of strengths development can do for you, for your business, career, family and your most significant relationships.

My latest blog Talk Radio program was titled “Emotional Intelligence for Dummies”.  The title was a play on words because the research found in Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves shows that;

people with the highest levels of intelligence (IQ) outperform those with average IQs just 20% of the time, while people with average IQs outperformed individuals with high IQs 70% of the time.

EQ is so critical to success that it accounts for 58% of performance in all types of jobs.

Awareness is one of the key factors in learning emotional intelligence. Unlike the cognitive intelligence that you are born with and is measured through an IQ test, emotional intelligence must be learned. This is where the strengths conversation takes an important turn. If you want to be more aware of how you are acting, you need to also become more engaged.   The primary role of strengths development is to increase engagement in the workplace.  The StrengthsFinder 2.0 assessment is a key resource in understanding your personal talents, investing those talents and then being able to leverage them as strengths.  The unexpected result from this work is that you greatly increase your personal level of emotional intelligence because you are now more aware of your actions, thoughts and feelings.  You begin to own and act upon an internal image of yourself that is holistic and unique.

I work with the strengths profile of every client in such a way that in every encounter, I activate and honor their unique talents and encourage them to invest energy in what they bring to the world in an extraordinary way. I create a list of actions, questions and responses to use during our sessions that will intentionally activate their strengths and raise their energy and awareness to a level that they can solve their own problems.

At Strengths Strategy,  a strengths training and coaching organization, the objective is to learn how to experience and create interdependent relationships through strengths development.  This is an organization that takes coaching to the next level by actually building out strategic partnerships with their certified coaches.  It’s providing coaches the opportunity of partnering with a world class organization while still allowing the coaches to have total autonomy over their own business; it’s a true win/win partnership.  Please take a few minutes to listen to Brent Barnacle‘s story of transformation through their Strengths Coach Training Process.

Brent talks about being present as the goal of engagement in every aspect of his life.  He also receives friendly reminders from his family when he is not engaged by their responses and behaviors!  What a blessing to have this high level of awareness and emotional intelligence at a time when he can significantly impact the future of his children!

Does listening = love in all your relationships?

When was the last time you really felt love?  That feeling you had when you first experienced someone liking you in middle school or the first time you made a basket or heard a symphony orchestra.  It seems that we don’t feel that very often as we become busier, more stressed and more dependent on text, email and posts for a sense of love and belonging.  Be honest, how many times have you sent a text to someone in your own house? Does that feel like love?

loving-each-otherOver the past few weeks I have been attending a Love Class led by Richard Brendan, based on the original Love Class started by Leo Buscaglia in the 1970s. Leo distributed a survey that asked the questions: What are the three qualities of primary relationships which were most enhancing to continued growth in love and most destructive to growing, loving relationship.  The overwhelming results were that the  #1 positive quality was communication and the #1 negative quality was a lack of communication.

One of the keys to  learning emotion intelligence,  (yes, unlike cognitive intelligence, it must be learned) is the ability to communicate.  Listening is the most important element!

In his book, Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia writes;

“I recently discovered that the average speaker can utter 125 words per minute.  The listener can process about 400-600 words per minute.  True listening is determined by how we decide to use the intervals.”

There are three ways the listener can choose uses those “intervals”.

  1. Subjective listening: The listener remains attached to his or her own agenda and thoughts while appearing to be listening to the person speaking. In other words,  “keep talking while I formulate my brilliant come back to show off my wit and intelligence!”
  2. Objective listening:  The listener is focused on the speaker but the words do not make an impression. Usual response,  “That’s interesting.” followed by roaming eyes and a shifty body movements, maybe even a glance at their cell phone!
  3. Intuitive Listening:  The listener is tuned into all the sensory components and actively connects with the speaker’s real message.  The listener can hear between the words being used and gain a deep insight into the picture being drawn by the speaker.

When it comes to speaking face to face, the words only  account for 7% of the impact,  the inflection and tone of voice , 38% and body language 55%. We are missing so much information by not seeing the person we are connecting with.

Everywhere I go, restaurants, movies, outdoor events, EVERYWHERE,  people are glued to their devices.  What is the quality of our communication?  Are we digressing in our quest for greater emotional intelligence?  No matter how many emails, texts, FB friends and posts I receive each day, there is still a feeling of loneliness and emptiness that is best filled by sharing real space with a real person that is a good listener!

Listen
(anonymous)

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Perhaps that is why prayer works for some people.
Because
God is mute and He doesn’t offer advice or try to fix things.
He just listens and trusts you to work it out for yourself.
So please, just listen and hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a few minutes for your turn and I promise I’ll listen to you.  
Two weeks ago my son left for basic training.  I received two text messages when he first arrived at Fort Sill, OK but no word since.  This is the intent of this training and it is really hard on mothers!  Communication of any kind is so important.  Prayer is working pretty well too!  I am so blessed to be in the business of listening through my coaching practice and music career.  I also have many dear friends who are great intuitive listeners.Thank you. Life is rich!Blessings to you all!  Jennifer

How to let go of yesterday’s number on the scale!

attractthehealthyouwant's avatarAttract the Health You Want

What is the point of remembering yesterday’s number on the scale.  Do you look at your bank account and say,

Yesterday I had $5,000 in my checking account.  I will always remember that on April 10th, 2012, I had $5,000 in my checking account.  Every day I will get up and set my vibrational energy according to how my present account is higher or lower than $5,000.

We always assume that we will have more money, or that the fluctuation of money in the account is for valid, understandable reasons. We accept the flow of dollars in the normal living of life.

Why does the number on the scale affect our psyche more than anything else in the world?

Don’t keep track of how many pounds you have lost or gained.  That pattern of thinking only reminds you of the past.

Think about today.

Today I weigh ______lbs.

I have…

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Are you ready to play a win-win game of life?

Recently, with the graduation of my son from high school and my daughter from college, I have been in a highly, emotionally charged state;  just ask those closest to me!  The change of my status from a mother of school age children to an “empty nester” has really thrown me for a loop!  Through my coach training I have learned that I can choose how I want to show up in any situation and this transition is a great opportunity to put my skills to work!

When was the last time you set a specific intention for an upcoming life event? 

Maybe it is a family vacation, an important interview, a difficult encounter with a disengaged family member or business partner or a dramatic change of lifestyle.  Setting an intention means that you will decide to act a certain way in order to achieve a goal or change how you are “showing up”. Let’s go deeper into the creation of intentions by asking and then answering these three questions.

#1 Who will benefit from this decision or action?

#2 How does this decision or action serve me?

#3 Does everyone win when I make this choice?

If the answer to #1 is someone else, then you are playing the role of a victim or being compassionate.  One of the things I learned from the Brenè Brown’s eCourse on The Gifts of Imperfection was about the difference between victimhood and compassion.  Those that practiced compassion also set boundaries and held others accountable for their actions.  When you do this, you start playing a game where everyone has the opportunity to win. The answer to #2 might be….’uh, I didn’t really think about it”.  Many of my habits are so embedded in my subconscious routines that I have forgotten to question the value and implications of my thoughts, feelings or actions on a daily basis.  Dr. Joe Dispenza, in his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, writes;heads

Change your internal environment — the way you think and feel — and then see how the external environment is altered by your efforts. You just went from “cause and effect” to “causing an effect.”

Now we move to question #3.  Does everything have to be a win-win?  Are you more comfortable letting the other person win most of the time?  If you answered yes to the last question, you are missing out on a huge jackpot of opportunity on a daily basis!  Yes, I think, I know, without a doubt, that we want to create win-wins as often as possible and keep working out the details until every situation becomes a win-win.  If we are not doing this, we are just giving up and letting the other person win. Yes, there is a risk that the other people involved will not want to play the same game with different boundaries and rules.  If you don’t play that game anymore with that person, how will you feel?  Will you feel like a victim or will you realize the new opportunities you have created to show up more authentic and loving!

 Are you ready to engage in a win-win game of life where everyone wins or we don’t play the game?

Dance your dance or it will be lost forever!

I recently began working with the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.  I would not consider myself a writer but certainly a very creative thinker who puts words on a page and posts on a wall as a way of sharing these thoughts.  I assimilate knowledge from many different sources and melt them together in my mind with my experiences and love for live, acoustic music making.  The outflow of this melding is a unique expression of my impressions and wisdom!  This quote by Martha Graham,  the great choreographer that created the ballet and title for Copland’s music now known as Appalachian Spring resonated with me, right to my metaphysical core!

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.  Martha Graham

Keep your dance going – Be alert for support and encouragement from unexpected sources.

Yes, you can buy happiness! (and you are going to want to make it a habit!)

I have been thinking about all of the things in this world that are FREE!  Despite what our consumer driven society tells us – it does not cost money to lose weight.  Face it;  eating less,  exercising outdoors ( now that it is finally spring!) and moving more often during the day for any reason is all FREE and can even save money on the cost of food and medical expenses.

Spending quality time listening to someone talk and share their thoughts and feelings is FREE.

It used to be that we considered time equal to money but now we consider time more valuable than money.  We are willing to spend our dollars on convenience food and services just to save time!

Save time for what? Are we motivated to save time because we are tired,  overworked, overscheduled?  Are we searching for a little moment of happiness?

So how can we buy happiness?  Spending our money on others actually produces feelings of happiness more than spending money on ourselves.

The Biblical practice of tithing has power because it doesn’t wait for the future.  It draws a state of flow into the present by insisting, “In this moment, I have plenty. I’m rich enough to give.”

Tosha Silver from Outrageous Openness

In this TED Talk by Michael Norton he shares the research on happiness producing events.  Happy people are everywhere these days.  Clean pictures of happy people in work clothes are showing up on everything – I even changed my website banner to convey more happiness and community.  The “pro-social experience” is described as one in which each team member contributes for the good (or fun) of the group and this activity gets the highest potential happiness ratings.

How can I engage in “pro-social” events on a daily basis?  The key is to be a part of a group that contributes equally for the common good.  That describes the overwhelming attractiveness of walks or runs for causes, benefit events and opportunities to donate to victims of natural disasters or human suffering. I would like to go one step further and suggest that the “pro-social” experience may lead to joyfulness!  Be careful how happy you start to get – it might stick with you and become inner joy and gratitude!

“Happiness is tied to circumstances and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.”

Brené Brown from The Gifts of Imperfection

 

What has you stuck in the mud?

In the fall of 2013 I was fortunate to have a coaching job fall in my lap through a referral from a good friend in the Public Relations business.  At the same time I added new private clients and was really feeling good about my growth and maturity as a professional coach.  Then the holidays and the snow and the polar vortex and seasonal depression and……………..let’s pile on all kinds of things to justify a slump! Futuristic is one of my StrengthsFinder talent themes and it is making me sick to feel like I am stuck!stuck-in-the-mud-500x333

What is holding me back from maintaining and expanding my success?

Let’s zoom out and see what a slump or feeling stuck is really made of.

Outer circumstances:  Maybe the weather and time of year could be a factor.  I definitely felt at the effect of the weather but I was not alone – everyone did.
THE WINTER of 2014 IS REALLY OVER NOW –CELEBRATE SPRING!

Inner thoughts and feelings: Now this gets personal!  Here are names of the ugly “barriers to success” monsters that live in my head.

  • Limiting Beliefs:  Something I learned from someone else that says, “This is not possible”
  • Assumptions:  Believing that the past (bad experience) will repeat itself.
  • Interpretations: Creating an opinion about something from only one viewpoint.
  • Gremlins: The ugly mind monster that keeps appearing in your head when you feel self-doubt and low self-esteem.

Interpretations are the ones I deal with most effectively in my coaching practice.  I love to help clients do a “paradigm shift” exercise.  The level of energy created by this simple exercise would transform damp rotting wood into warming flames!

Take a sheet of paper and fold it in half.  On the left side write the energy blocking opinion you have about a certain situation from your viewpoint.  On the right side, write at least one positive, energizing view of the current situation.  (Have someone help you the first couple times!)

For example:  My youngest child will be graduating from high school soon and I will be an “empty nester”.  Just like any other parent, I have dedicated a wealth of physical, mental and emotional energy raising my children over the past 22 years.  What will I do with the empty space in my home and my life? Will I still feel valued and significant outside of my business life?

Paradigm shift:  Hallelujah!  I have done the best job I knew how to do and they are launching into their own lives as best they can.  The time has come for me to focus on me and have fun creating a new social and professional life!   Wow, what an opportunity!  I haven’t done that in 22 years!

Now, take the left side, tear it off and burn it. Take the right side of the page and post it somewhere you will see it every day.   Repeat this exercise until you have nothing to write on the left side of the page!

Let me know how this works for you!  I feel better already!

 

Do you want more than a networking social life?

imagesTuned In Coaching is celebrating its 3rd anniversary.  Three years ago (50th birthdays usually cause one to take a serious look at one’s life!)  I decided to try something different by completing professional certifications in coaching and corporate training, as well as traveling to upstate New York for a three day retreat with Marianne Williamson.  A wonderful 50th birthday present to ME!  This past Sunday I celebrated my 53rd birthday and once again I am taking a serious look at my business and my life.

I am spending more time in front of a computer; I have hundreds of new connections, friends, groups and circles.  Honestly, I feel loved by those closest to me. I do appreciate Facebook birthday wishes and reconnecting with classmates all over the world but online relationships are not filling my need for deep human interaction.

One of the things I hated about online dating was the difference between connecting with random single men and spending quality time with men that you knew, trusted and felt comfortable with.  Unfortunately, the men I enjoyed being with were happily married to my close friends! You have to set aside your desire for some previous connection like a mutual friend or co-worker to give you some sense of context in the online dating scene.  While some people love the mystery, I always felt uneasy.

There are a lot of similarities between finding a new relationship or social circle and finding a new job.  Every job I have ever had has come through a referral.   Someone that knew me told someone else that I was the right person to hire. I always remind my clients that are searching for work;

“People hire people that are somehow connected; not just profiles, resumes or photo shopped pictures. “

Doctors, Dentists, Lawyers; almost every successful business and vibrant social life is in some way based on referrals and connections.  At a time when we are spending so much time with social media, email and texting, are we actually moving further away from meaningful relationships in our personal and professional lives?

How do you build a successful referral-based business and a vibrant social life that is more than just a network of casual acquaintances?

Dig deep!

  • Invest your time and energy in a group of individuals that are ready to champion you and be ambassadors for you socially and in the business arena.
  • Educate your clients, co-workers and people in your social groups about what you want and what you value.   
  • Always offer to help others by saying, “If there is anything I can do for you; just let me know!” 
  • Keep in touch consistently, personally and systematically.  (The Referral of a Lifetime by Tim Templeton)

“When you go out of your way to be nice to a person; it will not soon be forgotten.  You will be permanently on file in that person’s memory bank.” 
(Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to a Great Social Life, 1987)

This is where I have really dropped the ball.  I have spent so much precious time investing in the connective power of cyberspace that I have forgotten how to pick up my phone and make a personal phone call.  I have become lazy about sending a piece of hand addressed snail mail.  I discount how great it feels to share a cup of hot tea or a simple meal with a friend.  I have also missed the surprise phone call or visit from a friend or client that I have not talked with in a long time.

Make someone’s day.  Pick up the phone, hand write a card, invite a friend or client out for coffee!  Let’s get back to being in one another’s space in a way that is real, profitable and fun!

Create space for the right person at the right time to come into your life.  Remember what the Fairy Godmother said to Cinderella,

“I would not have come if you were not expecting me!”

Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime……when we invite them in!